Tom and Jerry: Say no to PEDs
In the wake of the Alex Rodriguez fiasco, baseball is once again buckling under the crushing presence of performance-enhancing drugs. Records are tarnished. Heroes are frauds. The national pastime is in peril.
And to think, all of this could have been avoided if athletes would have just paid attention to Tom and Jerry.
OK, so maybe the cartoon world's favorite cat and mouse have been guilty of moral turpitude here and there. But know this, folks: Tom and Jerry warned us of the dangers of performance enhancing substances long before the International Olympic Committee threw down the hammer on doping with a ban in 1967.
Don't believe me? Check out "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Mouse" from 1947.
- Jerry gained a competitive advantage over his rival in the form of unnatural size and strength by ingesting a potentially dangerous substance.
- Jerry becomes a rage-aholic capable of tearing a phone book in half.
- Jerry's unnatural size and strength disappear when the effects of his substance wears off, and he becomes dependent on it to maintain his edge.
- In an effort to overtake the intermittently jacked-up Jerry, Tom overdoses on the performance-enhancing substance. As a result, he becomes a shriveled up shell of what he once was.
Meanwhile, steroids have been known to...
- Give athletes a competitive advantage in the form of unnatural size and strength.
- Make athletes sporadically go into fits of rage.
- Ultimately cause athletes' bodies to break down with lasting, damaging effects.
So there you have it, folks. Taking a shortcut like using PEDs can give you a boost in the short term. Ultimately, though, it will leave you a broken-down punching bag for a mouse ... or the court of public opinion. Stick to hitting your foes with waffle irons and golf clubs, instead.
- Tom Valentino